Barley Mowat 

This Is Just Sad

with 10 comments

As a beer blogger I wind up on an awful lot of booze and beer related mailing lists. Usually the incoming mails amount to little more than random spam, but sometimes they contain useful or interesting info about new breweries or limited releases. Sure, it’s all in the US, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to know about it.

Once in a while, though, they offer a shocking window into the unwashed masses’ view of beer, delivered straight to my inbox. Such was the case last week when I received an email suggesting I do a story about the “Boobzie“: a beer cozy designed to feign breasts. So yeah, I’ll take the suggestion and do a story on this. It just might not be the one they envisioned.

It’s taken me a while to fully digest this product. When I say “digest” I don’t mean to understand what it is or what it does, but rather to fully come to terms with, and accept, its existence in general. I mean, what the fuck? Do we as a society honestly view beer drinkers with the sort of contempt that would be required to manufacture a product as insulting as this one? Clearly we do.

There’s so much wrong here that I can hardly credit my eyes, and the more I dig the worse it gets. So let’s tackle the layers to really, truly appreciate the horror of what lies before our eyes.


I can’t even joke about this. It’s that bad.

1. It’s a beer cozy, and beer cozies shouldn’t exist, period. Cozies imply two things that no right-thinking beer consumer should believe: that beer should be consumed both ice cold and directly from the container.

At no point should you be looking at a bottle or can of beer and be thinking “yeah, I should put this directly to my mouth and imbibe.” This error is only amplified when said container is so cold as to make holding it in your hand sufficiently uncomfortable as to require insulation. And that error is only further amplified by the desire to slap some cheesy insulation on the beer so as to keep it ice cold as long as possible.

The relative proximity of your parents in your family tree required to make the above sequence of events seem not only acceptable but even desirable is so extreme that we cannot rule out the possibility of them actually being the same person. Of course, if this is the case you have no idea what I just said, so let me translate: If you’re drinking your beer ice freaking cold straight from the can or bottle then you, sir, are a fucking idiot.

I don’t care where you are, or that you just hiked eight hours to get to that pristine lake. If you had the strength to carry god damned beer with you, then you can man-up enough to slip in some lightweight cups. They exist and they are not expensive.

They only circumstances in which drinking straight from the bottle is acceptable is when there is literally no other alternative. In those rare situations, please first check to see what the wine drinkers are consuming their beverage from. Are they squeezing fortified grape juice straight from the box into their mouths? All right, then you can drink from the can (or maybe find a better party, jeez). If not, find out where they got their glass from and get one.

This whole “beer can be consumed from the bottle” thing has to freaking stop, and fucking right now.


These. Put your beer in one of these. I don’t care which one.

Now, I only wish this was the most offensive aspect of this product, but alas, it only gets worse from here on out.

2. These aren’t just cozies, they also have background stories! Although, I’m not sure what the point of first naming each neoprene sleeve then writing a couple paragraphs of backstory might be. Perhaps it’s to avoid having to print out “it’s boobs. On a can. Cans. Get it?” for each and every product detail page.

At least the back stories are not just lazy filler. Nope, they also do double duty of being terribly offensive! Can you imagine a woman as being anything but a ditzy, uneducated, sex-crazed girl just looking for the right man? Well these fuckers sure can’t. The “education” section of the back stories contain such hits as “Everything I need to know I learned from baseball… and the magazines I found under my Dad’s bed” and “International male studies.” These are not hand picked isolated examples.

Also, I’m not sure how a headless pair of breasts can either have a favourite food nor espouse their vapid opinions on such. Lastly, for whatever reason, each cozy also has a “Relationship Status” which, you guessed it, is invariably single and very available. This shouldn’t surprise anyone, as dating a neoprene cozy is not very fulfilling (even one injected with gel to simulate breasts).

3. At no point in your life is it ever okay to put comical, cartoon breasts on fucking anything, unless that thing happens to be a comical, cartoon woman. I mean, look at these freaking things, they don’t even have heads for Christ’s sake. You want to talk about objectifying women? How about objectifying them by removing any remotely identifiable feature aside from their breasts, and then using it to adorn your cold can of beer, which you will no doubt consume while watching football and making sexist jokes with your “beer buddies.”

And please, don’t tell me to “calm down” or that “it’s just a joke.” This shit is not fucking okay. We live in a society where men routinely physically and emotionally abuse women on an endemic level. 50% of all women will be abused at some point in their lives, and while I’m certainly no psychoanalyst, objectifying them on a cold crisp can of “magical violence-enabling fluid” might not be the best idea anyone has ever come up with to combat this.

4. At least we can thankfully take some refuge in the knowledge that no one would actually buy a product as inherently offensive as this one, right? Well, um, no. Not even a little. This press release exists because the original “Boobzie” (a product sold at Hooters) was so successful that they spun off a dedicated company to do nothing but dehumanize women and combine them with beer.

I cannot figure out what is more depressing, that clearly the manufacturers of this product believe the vast majority of beer consumers to be the lowest form of quasi-human conceivable, clearly considering women as nothing more than a random collection of sexual organs, or that the manufacturer is probably right.

I need a drink.

Written by chuck

February 15th, 2013 at 2:42 pm

Posted in Beer and You

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10 Responses to 'This Is Just Sad'

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  1. Spot on – can you imagine if this was turned around to men?

    It could be called “Ballsies”? with a big cock and balls stuffed in a thong on the side of the cozy.

    How much negative attention would that get? None, because that product would never get made.

    Double standard anyone?

    scott

    15 Feb 13 at 14:56

  2. I don’t love drinking beer from the bottle, but if working outside on a hot summer afternoon I’ll take it in whatever container it’s offered in. Sometimes the insulation’s there not to protect your hand from the cold but to keep your beer that starts at the right temperature from getting piss-warm before you’re done drinking it (an insulated coffee mug will do the same thing. Not sure if that’s better or worse). So unlike you, I can forgive point #1.

    The rest of it, though? You’re absolutely right, and I’m glad you’re saying something about it.

    Nicole

    15 Feb 13 at 16:20

  3. That is pretty pathetic. I love you take on it! Great read on a pathetic subject. Keep the social commentary coming.

    mike

    15 Feb 13 at 16:40

  4. In response to your drinking out of a can or not, there’s a very reputable IPA by the name of Heady Topper IPA brewed by the Alchemist in Vermont. It says right around the top of their can to “drink from the can!” Don’t worry, I found it interesting they’ve opted for that statement as well.

    http://www.alchemistbeer.com/

    Mike Rock-Smith

    18 Feb 13 at 12:59

  5. @Mike — Yeah, I saw that. Of all things you shouldn’t be drinking out of a can, a DIPA is very high on the list. This boggles my mind, as it’s about the worst way to present that style of beer.

    chuck

    18 Feb 13 at 13:00

  6. First, I agree with the entire second half of this post.

    Second, I so badly want to post about 100 pictures of you drinking beer directly from both the bottle and the can.

    Relax. I drink red wine from a tumbler – my faux-expert North American friends get in a tizzy but my Italian and French friends don’t care, because they’re drinking from tumblers, too!

    I drink beer from the can and the bottle, too, when it’s more convenient, or when I just plain want to.

    I’ll second Mike RS’s comment about Heady Topper. Someone brought a pile of these down to the Tiger in December, and lo-and-behold there was a whole bar FULL of beer nerds drinking from the can. And loving it.

    Jer

    21 Feb 13 at 13:55

  7. @Jer – Now hey, Jer, I never made any claims in this article about myself not being a fucking idiot.

    chuck

    21 Feb 13 at 14:12

  8. Thank you for this post. We received an email last week from a potential supplier announcing the availability of the ‘Boobzie’ to us to sell to our customers. I was flabbergasted and outraged as a business owner and as a woman – on what planet would I ever market these awful things to a customer and how could this supplier think it was a good idea to bring these to the marketplace. It makes me sad that people think these products are still a good idea, they were never, ever a good idea.

    Jessica

    23 Feb 13 at 15:10

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