Barley Mowat 

Don’t Drink Green Beer

with 15 comments

Hi everyone,

It just me, your friendly neighbourhood bearded beer snob, here with a Public Service Announcement for everyone ahead of the giant party that is St Patrick’s Day Long Weekend. I know I’ve ranted about this before, and I know your time is valuable, and for every second you spend reading my dribble you could be painting yourself green and drinking irresponsibly, so I’ll keep this short:

If you drink green beer, I will hunt each and every one of you down individually, murder you and, depending on how much green beer you drank, your entire extended family. Okay, fine, I probably won’t go medieval on your collective asses but I will, at an absolute minimum, frown at you while shaking my head. And perhaps express how truly disappointed I am in you.

Truth be told, Green Beer is just plain awful. Bars make beer green in one of two ways: they either pour massive gobs of green colour dye into the thing, or mix in blue curaçao. Neither of these endeavours are renowned for making beer better. In fact, not only do they make the beer much worse, adding a giant bucket of high fructose corn syrup to beer also makes the next morning a sad affair (what, exactly, did you THINK food colouring was made of?).

Additionally, as the base beer moves away from macro shiite towards better craft beer (and therefore darker beer) more of said adjuncts are required, and well, you get the picture. Let’s just say that green food dye was never intended to be consumed in large quantities. Neither, for that matter, was blue curaçao.

As well, augmenting your beer simply for the sake of turning it green is just plain rude to the kind, bearded folk who slaved over hot kettles to produce this beer. They get up regularly at four freaking AM to make the best beer possible for your lazy asses to enjoy at 7pm “after a long day’s work” (while said brewers are STILL at the brewery). Pouring dye in your beer makes brewmasters cry, is what I’m saying, so don’t do it.

Thank you. You may now return to your regularly scheduled spontaneous debauchery. Put on a stupid green hat, get at least partially nekkid, but please drink your beer as the brewer intended. Your taste buds, and your hangover, will thank me.

Best Wishes,

Chuck

Written by chuck

March 15th, 2013 at 1:51 pm

Posted in Beer and You

15 Responses to 'Don’t Drink Green Beer'

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  1. Lighten up, Francis.

    Dont take yourself so seriously

    15 Mar 13 at 19:34

  2. Hi! I’m Chuck! Based on your comment, I guess we haven’t met, but ranting about beer stuff sorta is my schtick. This here blog is just chock full of it.

    But hey, don’t let me stop you: if you want to make your beer AND hangovers worse, go for it. I mean, let’s not let little things like “beer that tastes good” or “heads that aren’t pounding” get in the way of… um… coloured beer, I guess? Enjoy!

    chuck

    15 Mar 13 at 21:03

  3. No, it’s all good. Keep frowning and shaking your head. It’s a great way to go through life.

    Dont take yourself so seriously

    16 Mar 13 at 09:19

  4. Chuck – I think what DTYSS is saying is that you’re a Green Beer Hater and a big meanie. In fact, you might even be a Green Beer Bully.

    scott

    16 Mar 13 at 22:08

  5. No, Scott. My message is about being less judgmental about stuff that doesn’t affect you. Who cares if people want to colour their beer. RELAX. Let it be, friend.

    Dont take yourself so seriously

    16 Mar 13 at 22:14

  6. DTYSS – I think it’s obvious; Chuck cares if people colour their beer. And you care that Chuck cares. So you’re being so judgemental of HIS opinion. Oh, and I heard a new brewery called Hypocrisy Brews just opened that only sells green beer. Must try….

    scott

    16 Mar 13 at 22:52

  7. Yes we both agree. He cares. I care and unfortunately you seem to care too. I heard they opened up a amusement park just for you – it’s called simpleton’s paradise. Enjoy it there.

    Dont take yourself so seriously

    16 Mar 13 at 23:10

  8. Tut-tut young padawan. You seem unable to take your own relaxation advice. Or perhaps you read about it in one of your self-help books.

    No matter, Professor Eyebrow. Bill Murray will help your transition; just watch the rest of the movie.

    And my apologies – I must correct my previous post. The brewery I mentioned (Hypocrisy Brews) ran into some trademark concerns, and they’ve renamed their outfit to ‘Troll Ales Inc.’, which I think is eminently more suitable.

    (Hat-tip)

    scott

    16 Mar 13 at 23:18

  9. (…And my personal apologies to Chuck, who writes one of my most favoritest blogs, and who also seems indentured to enduring my immature tiradical (sp) defence of his honour for which I have no doubt, he does not need.

    Though for pure entertainment value, I suppose a vigorous exchange of opposing ideas set forth upon your writing space may provide a smile. Or at least a frown upside down…)

    scott

    16 Mar 13 at 23:24

  10. Hey guys; I only just saw this exchange right now. I was out doing something St Paddys-ish involving barrel-aged beers (hint: I no longer have those beers).

    @All — So long as you keep things civil you can use this blog to rant about pretty much anything; I try not to filter even the most inane comments.

    @Scott — I’m touched by your defence, but really DTYSS has made his/her point and I don’t see much point in press him/her on it. I don’t think we’ll see eye to eye, but hey, that happens. I’ve moved on, but maybe that’s the Allagash talking.

    chuck

    16 Mar 13 at 23:49

  11. Chuck – You need a ‘like’ button.:)

    scott

    16 Mar 13 at 23:56

  12. It’s called the “Buy Chuck a beer at The Alibi” button. I just need to make a fancy graphic for it and I’d be set…

    chuck

    17 Mar 13 at 00:09

  13. I am also really don’t care what is in someone else’s beer glass either but friends don’t let friend drink green beer.
    And as for taking one’s self seriously and being opinionated….well, it’s a blog and that’s what blog writers tend to do. Readers who really disagree have two options:
    1 – don’t read the blog any more
    2 – write a blog of their own

    Just my thoughts….

    And I like the “Buy Chuck a Beer at the Alibi” button. Do you mind if I adapt that to my blog to suit my purposes Chuck?

    Paddy

    17 Mar 13 at 00:18

  14. @Paddy — You can put as many “buy Chuck a drink” buttons on your blog as you’d like 🙂

    chuck

    17 Mar 13 at 00:31

  15. I’m disappointed; well, no, I’m not, I don’t care enough for that. Caring about a opinions of a blog writer who makes generous use of satire wouldn’t be too intelligent. I do disagree, however. Turning a pint green doesn’t require enough food colouring to seriously compromise the flavour of beer. I’d wager very few people, if any, could actually detect any increase in sweetness. The beer is most notably compromised by the change in colour; inarguably, an underappreciated trait of great beer. I’m okay with compromising that one quality, one day a year though. Vancouver Island Brewery seems to agree, they turned their own beer green and posted photos this afternoon.

    Today is the day to educate lay people that Guinness isn’t the only (or best) stout readily available and that its use of nitrogen isn’t unique.

    VIB

    17 Mar 13 at 21:22

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